The Guilt of A Working Mom
Friday, July 12, 2019
There are a lot of things you get miss out on if you are a
full-time working mom. I happen to be one and I know deep in my heart that I
can’t blame anybody but myself for missing milestones on my baby’s life.
Every day I see social media posts from some of my friends
who are homemakers and I can’t help but feel envy. They get to spend the whole
day with their kids and track their milestones, they get to play with them and
teach them. Worst is I tend to compare their kids to mine. I know each kid has
their own timeline but I always blame myself if I see a baby that’s the same
age as my daughter that already knows her ABCs, can count to five or hum along
to nursery rhymes. Nothing really beats being with your little one with every
milestone on his/her growing up years. There are times when I find myself
crying about things that I wish I could do for and with her.
I also envy mothers who manage to have a career and seem to
be doing great with their children’s developments. How do they do it? Where did
they get their super powers? Why can’t I do what they do? Where do they get
their energy from? Those are just some of the questions I keep on asking myself
whenever I see this kinds of things on social media.
Sending her to a baby day care was our only option since we
did not meet all the requirements to acquire our own help from the Philippines
(the list was long and believe me, we tried). All we can do was be very
particular in choosing a babysitter for her. I believe we went thru a lot of
candidates for babysitting and checked on the places personally before deciding
where to bring her. Finally, we were so blessed to have found someone we can
trust with her and take really good care of her.
During the first week that we leaving her there, I was
always in constant communication with the babysitter, checking up on them, how
they were doing, if the little one was sleeping well, if she’s already pooped
(yes I did that, I’m that paranoid). But after a while I learned to trust and
let them be. I love how the babysitter tells me everything they’ve done during
the day when I pick her up after work. She even tells me if she’s tripped and
fell or if something happened and she has a wound or a bruise. I would hate it
if I found a scratch and I would have to ask what has happened.
I would always be surprised when I see her doing something
new for the first time and wonder how/where she learned that from. Sometimes
she would come home and she just knew how to drink from a straw or wave
goodbye. It would cry from the inside knowing that I was not the one who taught
her those tiny little things.
WASTED LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES
Aside from missing milestones in my daughter’s life, we are
also missing a great deal in her brain development. I don’t know if I’m being
paranoid because of seeing too many social media posts and comparing my
daughter to others of the same age or I’m really being a bad teacher-parent.
I don’t really want to compare my child to others but I
can’t help it, I want her development to be at its fullest as possible for her
age. Right now, I try to do my best to teach her new things every day and I’m
so glad that she engages well with educational toys and activities.
FORGETTING THINGS
One time, I sent my daughter to Day Care without any milk.
Thankfully, there was a grocery store near the day care, I had to rush out of
the office and buy some milk, bring it to her and rush back to work. This has
always been a problem for me especially when I leave things unprepared during
the night and tend to rush myself in the mornings.
The worst one yet was when I forgot to refill her diaper bag
and she only had one left. I picked her up after work and when I held her, I
felt that she didn’t have anything under her pants. I cried just as we entered
the house and closed the door on our backs. My poor baby didn’t have any diaper
for the whole day. How irresponsible can I get?
OUR UNTIDY HOUSE AND UNDONE CHORES
Here are a few constant reminders of my failure as a wife
and as a parent. Our piled up laundry, our house is a mess, toys everywhere,
clothes waiting folded sit around for days in our sofa, uncooked meals that
pretty much just awaits expiry lay around on the fridge, the undone bed, the
dog hasn’t had a bath in days. I don’t even want to elaborate on this, I feel
nauseous just trying to think of all these things I need to do when I get home
tonight.
RESOLUTIONS
1.
Hold back on things that I don’t really need to do (binge watch Master Chef
Australia for instance, teehee) so I can spent as much of my free time with my
daughter.
2.
Try to teach her new things myself, especially
at her age now where she can easily absorb things.
3.
Manage time properly. Try to do as much chores
as I can while she sleeps.
4.
Try not to compare my daughter to other kids.
Mantra – Each kid is different.
5.
Try not to compare myself to my supermom friends
who seem to be doing it all and still manage to have a career. I constantly
remind myself that people only tend to post the good things in life.
6.
Lastly and most important of all, pray for
patience and strength during times where I doubt and blame myself.
COUNTING THE PROs
Since I’ve just ranted about all the things I feel guilty
about, I also get to feel a pride for the choice we made in sending her to a
day care.
1.
She gets to get out of the house on a daily
basis – she gets more sun and more fun rather than staying indoors the whole
day. It’s a short drive to the Day Care but at least she sees the skies in the
mornings and the stars at night.
2.
She has new friends – staying with mom all day
might be fun but believe it or not, I think my daughter has developed a
friendlier personality. Ever since she started day care, she would say “hi” to
kids we’d see whenever we go out.
3.
Anti-postpartum depression – Don’t get me wrong,
I was never diagnosed with depression. I think it was because I went straight
back to work after my maternity leave. During those days that I was home alone
with my daughter, I couldn’t count the times I cried with her during the day. I
guess if hadn’t come back to work, it would’ve led me straight to postpartum
depression or insanity.
4.
Blessing – I always think to myself that every
child is a blessing and the Lord has directed us to this path.
The blessing of the LORD enriches, and He adds no sorrow to it. Proverbs 10:22
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